My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
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The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
twitter users today:
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how