One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
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Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.