My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
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People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.