help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
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A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
found this cool rock hiking today
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.