When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
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The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.