Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
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do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
never forget
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Poetry is my passion
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*