The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
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[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
wtf is an acronym
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.