Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
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Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
the saddest jazz hands ever
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
#CatsOnTwitter
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
NASA has no chill