I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
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Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag