her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
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It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
That took me a moment.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo