COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.