I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
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Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
A short story of betrayal:
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections