[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
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me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?