People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
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*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No