Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Breaking news:
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.