Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
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I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason