If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
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A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.