once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
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The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it