any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
You Might Also Like
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I miss this era type of pranks馃槶
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I鈥檓 not lazy, I鈥檓 an inactivist.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.