My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
You Might Also Like
back to work
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
it’s finally my moment to shine
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
#catsoftwitter
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I only treason on days ending in y
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.