I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
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I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
smh
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.