My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
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I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.