Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
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[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.