My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
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I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I just love that new Pope smell.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
My patience has stretch marks.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
absolute chaos
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary