ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
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Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
selfie game
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.