beware of dog
(jukin media)
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nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Haha good job!!
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.