her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
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Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Feels like the fourth month in January
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.