(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
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I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great