At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
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A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Lmfao
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.