Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
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asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Called it
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows