What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
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local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.