Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
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During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
#SCOTUS one-star review
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I believe the plural is “milves.”