I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
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Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.