I want this so bad
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5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
they split up moments later
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??