Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
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I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
constantly working on myself.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.