I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
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me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Pickled cat.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
fr
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.