When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
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*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Guantanamo Bae
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
You’ll be OK
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.