*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
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Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
When they try to steal your moment.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
You deplete me
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad: