FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
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What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️