[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
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If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
[shakes fist at other fist]
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
The Others (2001)
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy