“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
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How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?