Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
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Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.