In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
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He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.