At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
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My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”