Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
You Might Also Like
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
The glockness monster
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!