Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
You Might Also Like
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat