me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
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Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas