My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
You Might Also Like
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
favorite tropes as memes
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
pictures of spider-man
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.