There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
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3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
i’m still crying at this
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.