[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
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I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
going to the ER y’all need anything
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants